learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
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If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Just so funny
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers