Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
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subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”