[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
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I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.