the answer was staring at me all along
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[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*