I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted