*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!