Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
You Might Also Like
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?