Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME