Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
March 16
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.