After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts