My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
You better watch out
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books