I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
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HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF