Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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God making man in his image was the original selfie
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know