Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree