Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.