Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
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do horses think humans are hats
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Saw your ex at the shops
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*