Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
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Sharon I have some bad news
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.