Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
You Might Also Like
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend