As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Wait a minute…
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.