A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Saturday
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
s
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Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”