rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I created you as mosquito food.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I can’t deal with men any longer
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many