Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying