[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
what kind of cook setting is this??
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
That’s easy for you to say
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain