Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
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Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit