I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job