Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”