[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.