My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
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Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
What my back needs
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Bootstraps