In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
my first dose meeting my second
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere