I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
You Might Also Like
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels