Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
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*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”