ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
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A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
What personal space?
My dog
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide