Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*puts my mental health in rice
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Ape together strong
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.