Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
ouch
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.