WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
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Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.