Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs