a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Incredible customer service.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.