[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.