Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Home #decor warning.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!