Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.