“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I am yelling
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.