Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
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Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day