I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
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this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”