Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
You Might Also Like
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
*checks Timeline*…
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.