Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
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What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
A leaf blower, but for people.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog