Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
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Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???