ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand