I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
You Might Also Like
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!