Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
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grotesque if literal: baby food
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what