there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!